The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
