The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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