I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
