I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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