kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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