nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
