Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
