I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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