i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
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I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
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Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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