JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
