Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
