you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
