Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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