Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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