i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
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No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
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You may now shotgun with the bride
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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