I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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