if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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