please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
