Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
