I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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