While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
