The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
