Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
