I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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