I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
