mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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