oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we're making bets on your personal life
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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