Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
