I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
