I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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