this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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