Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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