Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
