I didn't shave. On purpose
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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