Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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