this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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