the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
