Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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