the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
