i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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