I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
