Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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