it wasn't lemon gatorade
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
