I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
