She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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