Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
