I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You have to summon your inner elephant
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
