Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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