im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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