Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
