i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
