As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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