They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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