i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
